More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
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What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.