My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
black phone good
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
The Assassin.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.