IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
also my go-to takeaway order
yeah not falling for this one
Employees must applaud the planets.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times