Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
who did the taste test?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.