Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs