Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.