“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
This is I, Robot all over again
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.