Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.