If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces