[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Previously On Persistence 😎
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Every work meeting this week
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.