My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
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“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Stop sending me this shit.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.