meow
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.