A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.