If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO