Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?