I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.