For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
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[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Spell check is for lasers.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back