Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Chicago sounds lovely.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Godspeed, John Glenn
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.