I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
is there nothing we can trust anymore
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here