[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.