Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori