Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
The Birdles
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*