I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. đ
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. thatâs him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…đđŽđ
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Some of yâall tomorrow âŚ
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Gonna call faux pockets âfauxcketsâ because itâs close to the expletive I use when I realize theyâre fake.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
⢠Mary
⢠Joseph
⢠Shepherds
⢠Donkeys
⢠Sheep
⢠47 wise guys
Iâm less of a âDonât say thatâ mom and more of a âDonât say that at schoolâ mom.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man itâs a public beach
Donât touch the door handles
Donât touch the light switches
Donât touch the bedspread
Donât touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, âI sure did! I ate them for breakfast.â My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so youâre saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isnât any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasnât going to mention names because that wonât solve anything.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
WELL WELL WELL if it isnât the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.