Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*