Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
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I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
A choir of Spring onions
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep