doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Finally!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.