“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket