Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.