therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
A dad and his duck
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Dishonest mechanic?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.