I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.