HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??