Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
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ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
😂😂
scares
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
wtf is a larm clock?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.