If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is