This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.