Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
this will hang in the louvre one day
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
are they though??
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad