Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card