i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: