It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*