[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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it’s the silliest best thing
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*