How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..