I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
What’s so funny?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO