[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
And then there were 4
The Wolf of Wall Street.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.