I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain