So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.