“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
🥶🥶🐶🐶
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.