hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?