Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
what the
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*