BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us