[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.