Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.